New Year - Old Me

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am such a huge fan of the new year. My Grandpa told me once that "they" say whatever you are doing when the clock strikes midnight will be what your whole year will be like. I took it to heart. Silly I know... but in the years past I have read my Bible and spent time worshiping at midnight, I have been with friends, so on and so forth. Last year Andrew and I were asleep by 10 pm NYE!! I was ridiculously upset about it!!
So this year I invited our family to Glen Rose to bring in the new year. Naturally we played games all night and I lost. All. Night. Long.

The clock struck midnight and my score turned to the positive. I was more excited about it than I should have been.

Like most people, I set goals for the new year. This year they are simple.

1. Be excited about every day the same way that I am excited about the new year. Because God's mercies are new every morning, not just every new year. Along with this, I have made Psalm 37: 23-26 my verse  to claim for the year.

2. Be positive. I was extremely negative this past year and honestly, I am over it.

3. Journal every day. Maybe this will be a blog post all on its own. I believe journaling is as healthy as drinking 8 cups of water a day.

4. Get back to the old me. Back to the days when I did not think about working out or eating right, it was not a choice it was just what I did.

5. Reconnect with old friends. I REALLY MISS all of my friends that I left in East Texas and I really, really want to figure out how to balance life in North Texas while still maintaining friendships hours away.

There it is folks. These are all things that I use to do. For whatever reason, 2013 wreaked havoc on my mind and health. So this new year is going to be about getting back to the old me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

What are your goals?

Joy In The Wilderness

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la...blah blah blah blah. I know I am not alone in this feeling.

I LOVE Christmas! I do... a whole lot! But this year the joy is a bit tough to find ...this year will be the hardest year. There will be more empty places and less faces. My family seems to have spent more time in the wilderness in the past ten years than most people I know.The joy of the season could quite possibly be a little less merry and bright this year as we gather around the tree, Christmas morning, at my Grandma's house. It will be my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and the first one with out Grandpa. It will be hard, there will be tears... BUT, there is still joy in the season... its the reason (it is so easy to make this post rhyme, humor me).

Jesus.

This season I have focused more on Jesus (as I should do every season). This Christmas, my joy will come from the joy of celebrating the birth of my Savior and no so much focus on who is and who isn't gathered around the tree. This season Jingle Bells doesn't mean much. O Holy Night and Breath of Heaven are my anthems. Have you heard the chorus to Breath of Heaven? (My Momma sings it better than anyone I know, yes, even Amy Grant.) The chorus is beautiful and will be my prayer.

Breath of Heaven, Hold me together

Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven

As sad as it is going to be, I think I will enjoy this season more than any other because I finally get it. I have always understood the reason for the season and as a Christian that is what my intent has always been but, this season I am anticipating Christmas joy like I have never felt as I fully focus on the birth of Jesus and not buying the perfect gift or even how much time I get to spend with my family (don't get me wrong, I am still very much looking forward to it and will cherish every minute of it).

We are in a wilderness but there is joy there for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ!

Side Note: I like to think that we are still celebrating Christmas with Joseph, Uncle Charles and Grandpa. Sure their physical bodies are not here but they are in Heaven with Jesus, celebrating. Loss is hard and this doesn't fix it but it does help me. Maybe it'll help you.

Letter to the Anti-Christian

I was looking around iTunes a few weeks ago and came across a song that really disturbed me and the message of the song has been weighing heavy on my heart since then. The lyrics went like this, "If you don't go to church you'll go to hell, if you're the first one on the front row you're a self righteous son of a- cant win for losing you'll just disappoint em, just cause you cant beat em, don't mean you should join em".

After hearing the song I was overwhelmed with curiosity about how this person lives. What I continued to gather from this person was that because Christians are so judgmental and hateful towards non-believers, she strongly disliked them and has the wrong idea about who God is.

I said all that because I want to address this type of person, the Anti-Christian. I know most people that read my blog are family and friends but there are some people whom I have hurt that could stumble upon this and it could make a difference.

Dear You,

     I see your rebellion against God and it makes my heart ache. Not because of your actions, but because of how you got there. I understand that you have been judged in the past by people who claim to be a Christian and I can understand the bitter taste in your mouth towards God and anyone affiliated with Him. I am writing this letter to apologize and to let you in on a secret.
    First, I am so sorry that you have gotten the wrong impression of the Great and Powerful God that I love. His people have lead you to believe that He is as crude and judgmental as they are. Exodus 33 says that God is first, gracious and second, a judge. He does judge and discipline but it is all out of love. 

    I am sorry that by our judgments and actions you think that you need to be perfect and follow a bunch of rules to know the Awesome God that we serve. Or you do not care to know God because of our nose in the air. I bet that word scares you, serve... why should you "serve" anyone, right? It is a service but its not the " yes, Mista Masta" kind of service like so many believe that it is. Serving God is the most freeing feeling in the world. The service comes from your actions, living your life in a way that reflects Christ.
      I am truly and deeply sorry if someone has told you how awful you are because of your lifestyle. Sometimes, Christian or not, we do not understand other peoples issues because we are struggling with our own problems. I am so sorry you have the wrong idea about the Love of God because of our glances, whispers and out right calling you out.
     When you make the decision to live for Christ you do not turn into a "Holier Than Thou" robot, you are still you. I am not sure when or why that idea started floating around but it is totally wrong. God made you, whether you follow him or not, and He made you the way you are on purpose.

      Lets be honest, sin is fun but it is a temporary high and more than likely guilt follows it, even for you who claim to not care. At the end of the day we are looking for one thing, love. I know that because that is how God created us, to love and be loved. Being a Christian does not shield is from sin, it just means that we are forgiven and do not have to carry guilt around like a ton of bricks. God does not expect us to be sinless, He expects us to be obedient. The common thought these days is that God counts your wrongs and you have to work to make up for it. That is so not true! Every mistake you make God forgives,  He good choice you make God celebrates but not matter what you do, good or bad, God accepts you with open arms.  

    Would you like to know a secret? The Church pews are full of people that screw up on a daily basis, we ARE hypocritical and judgmental but we ARE human. We do have our own struggles and demons on our back. We do sin. We are not perfect people, we serve a perfect God. Sometimes we get confused about that. I wish I could tell you why we seem so crude and put together at the same time. I wish I had an answer for all the judgement. I wish I had an answer for all the times that someone has told you how horrible you are "in the name of Jesus". The only explanation I have is that we struggle with understanding the true meaning of grace.  I wish I could help you to understand what we are really all about and when we "push Jesus down your throat" it is not because we are judging you, it is because we love you. All I ask is that you have a more open mind about the people you hate for "having a closed mind".

Love (and I mean that),
Me

P.S. To the people who claim to be Christians, love people more and judge less, we really are becoming a minority and our judgments do not help. Lead people to Christ with your actions before you speak a word. 

I am open for discussion :) 

Lessons From My Grandpa

When I was in the third grade I remember my Mom telling me that my Grandpa only has a few years left with us and that I needed to spend time with him.  My third grade brain took the "few years" quite literally and I started to pray that my Grandpa would be around to see me go to Jr High. During that time I spent a lot of time with Grandpa. My Mom would drag me out of bed on early summer mornings and I would go to Grandpa's shop to pull nails out of old cedar fence boards so that he could use them to build birdhouses and such. He paid me 5 cents for every clean board, so I worked until I made 5 dollars and then I would go home. When Canton weekend would come around once a month, I would load up with Grandpa and spend the week selling bird houses with him. Grandpa would talk and talk to anyone that would listen... or look like they were at least. And he would always be sure to let them know that I was his Granddaughter.

Sometimes Grandpa would just take me fishing. One time his said the birds were in and we were going to go find them. So off we went...and came back with about 50 catfish, but you know how fishing stories go.

When Jr High came around, I thanked God that he was still around and asked that he would be around to see all of us graduate from high school. During those years Grandpa was at every thing that I did. Track, band, twirling, it did not matter I knew where I could find Grandpa; at the top of the bleachers, talking to anyone that would listen.

I have a lot of memories with Grandpa in them, smiling and talking. They are memories that will forever be in my heart because Grandpa went to be with Jesus two weeks ago.

I walked out of my parents house the morning after and expected to hear saws and nail guns ringing in his shop and as I walked by the place where he spent so much time I was expecting to hear him yell, "Hey! Where's your dog?" But it was silent...

The night he passed we were driving to Diboll I thought about the week I spent with my grandparents, two weeks before. I got to eat pork chops from Brookshires with my Grandpa and when Davison got lost in the woods Grandpa picked me up at the crack of dawn to go find him. As we rode around Diboll looking for him, Grandpa would tell me about how he use to go squirrel hunting in this neighborhood and how so and so use to live over there. I think God might of lead Davidson away for a little while so that Grandpa and I could have one last ride together. 

My mom told me I had a good week with Grandpa. I corrected her with "I had a great life with Grandpa". 

I remember him bouncing me on his knee as a child and singing "ride that horsey down town". I am sure like so many other songs he sang that it was just something he had made up.

I have years and years of sweet memories with my grandpa, I'm not sure how to even process it all yet. I am sure that I will spend the rest of my life reliving the good times and making sure that I love my kids and grandkids the way that Grandpa loved us.

I learned a lot from Grandpa, lessons that far exceed how to build a birdhouse, catch a fish or mow a yard, the greatest thing he taught me was how to live life to the fullest. The man seemed to squeeze the most out of every day and he did it by love. My Grandpa loved more pure and more deep than anyone I know and his love was truly unconditional. He loved God, his family, sports and food. Boy did he love food. In fact the last time I talked to him was Saturday night. I had facetimed my mom and she was on her way to his house. When she gave him the phone he was enjoying a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I know not because I saw the bowl but because he had a ring of chocolate around his mouth. 

He celebrated his family; every little achievement was a big deal to Grandpa. He made me feel like I was the greatest- my senior year in high school I was the feature twirler and my picture ended up on the front page of the Lufkin Daily News. Later that afternoon I pulled in the drive and Grandpa hollered at me to go up there. He met me with a huge smile and a sharpie and said, "I want the fist autograph" I didn't know what he was talking about until he grabbed the closest thing to him, a small license plate, and said, "here sign your name on this and put feature twirler by it". He hung it up right then and I'm sure it still hangs there today. 

I could write a book about the love my grandpa had for my grandma and our family but I think I better stop before I get carried away.

I have a picture in my mind of Grandpa's recliner. He would sit there at night as he watched sports and monitored the neighborhood; he knew everyone's head lights and would expect a reason for us coming or going late at night. It is so strange to see it empty... I guess that the perfect metaphor for how our life will be  with out him here. My heart aches for our family and everyone that knew Grandpa. I am sad for my future children because they will never know how great he was. 

I'm going to miss his smile, his laugh, all the goofy things he use to say and how no matter what he always ended our conversation with "You be good, Grandpa loves you".

 A piece of me is in heaven today. 

But.  

I thank God that this is not where my grandpas life ends. It is where it begins because when he took his last breath on earth he took his first in eternity. That is where I find my peace. I will see my grandpa again.

Letter to the College Freshman.

Dear College Freshman, 

I am guessing that by now you are settling into your new life as a college kid. I am sure you have already seen new things and been invited to a party or two. I am sure your head is spinning with excitement for the chance to be free and independent.

This semester you will probably learn that; now is when you make life long friendships and that boy that you met at the REC- it is possible he could be your next boyfriend. Just saying;), coffee is a good thing, staying ahead on your assigned reading will probably not happen but you better not get behind, the best nights of your life will be the ones that you did not plan, not every cute guy is nice and not every nerdy guy is well...nerdy, college football is an experience all on its own, roommates...well, you learn to love them, free food is good food and free t-shirts feel like Christmas day.
 

I'm sure by now you have gotten into the grove of making decisions for yourself. Go to the party or stay in, watch Greys Anatomy and dine on McDonalds? Go to class or sleep in? To get a tattoo or not get a tattoo, that is the real question. Who am I and where am I going? Lets be honest, that is the scariest question. You have the chance to re-create yourself in college because no one knows you. Chances are, you know you. Trust that. Do not try to fit yourself into situations and groups of people that you know are not "you". 

I spent a long time trying to figure out how to say this in a simple way and yesterday as I was sitting in my first class of my first day of Seminary my prof said this during his lecture:

"Someone will ask you how they know that they have a purpose in life and you tell them that humans are the only thing in the whole universe that is made in Gods image. That gives them purpose".

So who are "you"- a child and creation of God, made in His image. Let that be your foundation in every decision. Everything else that you chose to be and do is secondary to that. 

So, go to class, go to church, call your mom, get the tattoo,lay off the McDonald's, make friends, try new things (good things), go on adventures and live the college experience. Just do not forget who you are and where you come from. Because if you lose sight of that you will lose the right perspective on everything. 

Love, me

PS: Just do not follow in Miley's footsteps :)

Dream the Impossible Dream

Are you a dreamer? I am! I have struggled with how big I dream up things for my life and most times think that I am too old to try to make my dreams a reality. Or they are dreams because that is what they meant to be and nothing more. A couple of years ago I was chasing a BIG dream for a short time. During that time someone told me that I had a better chance of winning American Idol than seeing my dream come true.

I had the privilege of going to the American Idol Concert Tour last night in Grand Prairie. First of all let me get this out... The most exciting night ever!!! It was pure fun from the time we all loaded up in the car till the time we got home at 1 in the morning.

During the concert I remembered what that person said to me about having a better chance of doing what the people on stage were doing. In a cheesy montage kind of way I thought about Kree and all that she has shared of her journey to this point and Angie, how she stayed true to herself and took a stand for Christ and Candice and Janelle, how they tried out multiple times before they made it! As I watched all of these ladies they looked like they were born to be on that stage.  How cool is it that they are not so intimidated by the large scale of their dream and they just went for it?!

Watching this talented group of people see their dreams become a reality reminded me of my own dreams. I wonder if any of you, like myself feel like you are not good enough to chase your big dreams. Or maybe you think you have out dreamed Gods plans for your life. I know I have thought that before.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about dreams, plans and goals and for lack of better words, I have come up with a "check list". I want to share it with you but I also want you to know that this is something that I myself am working on. I hope this encourages you and helps you.

1. Pray about your desires and give it to God. Pray, Pray, Pray. Trust God, Trust God, Trust God. When you give it to God you know that when it happens, it will be His plan for your life and that is perfection.

2. Consider your dream in the context of your talents. If you want to be a stand up comedian but can not ever get the punch line right then you might want to reconsider. Now I completely understand that God uses unlikely people so I will add a disclaimer: if you have prayed about your dream and you still feel that it is something that you should pursue AND it will further the kingdom then go for it:) 

4. Know what it is you want to accomplish. My dream career is to work with teenage girls. I want to help them "survive" their teenage years and point them to Christ through all of it. I have ideas of how that could happen the obvious one is doing what I went to school for- teaching and coaching. Of course I have a bigger dream for how this could be done and I have ideas of others ways I could achieve it. But I have left it all to God.
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5. Allow your dreams to change with your life seasons. When I was single I knew that if I remained single after college that I would move to another country and be a missionary. Now that Andrew and I have gotten married we both agree that we are right where God has lead us as a couple. Do not bitterly hold on to old dreams.

Most importantly keep this in mind through it all...

The Lord makes firm the steps of those who delight in Him.

Psalms 37:23

To humans belong the plans of the heart,
    but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue.

Proverbs 16:1

Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
    and he will establish your plans.

Proverbs 16:3

I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Combating Fear

Yesterday my seven year old niece sent me a text that said "I am mad. Will you call me" I called her as soon as I could to find out what was wrong. "No one will play teacher with me" was her problem. Oh, the hard things seven year olds go through.

Life has been hard to take this last week. But I do not want to go there, it is too scary. Instead I want to combat that fear and share 5 things that I love about God.

1.  

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.

Psalms 139:1

 

God knows everything about me and He loves me anyway. I am blown away by that kind of love. I mess up on an hourly basis and He is constantly forgiving me and loving on me anyway. I say things I regret and He does not hold it against me.

 

2.

You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

 

Psalms 139:5-6

 

When I was kid I would hug two people at one time and call it a Sandwich Hug. I loved those hugs because I felt safe. Verse 5 says that God goes before us AND after us...it is a God sandwich ;)! It makes me feel safe to know that whatever I am going through God is sandwiching me in and protecting me, picking me up or carrying me through it.

 

3.

 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.

 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

 

Psalms 139:7-12

 

I would say that what my family is going through would qualify as a dark time. There is such an amazing comfort I have knowing that God is here, even now. Working miracles that we are unaware of and giving us peace that we cannot comprehend. We can not escape His love! That is the most comforting thing I could ever hear!

 

4.

 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

 

Psalms 139:13-16

 

God made me. Three simple words that should destroy any self confidence issues that I have. He created me for a purpose. He gave me my personality traits, as difficult as they maybe and as hard as it is for some people to accept them. God made me and I have a purpose for His Kingdom.

 

5.

 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

 

Psalms 139: 23-24

 

And He is not finished with me yet!!