Live Loved

Do you see it? The crown on your head. Do you see it when you look in the mirror? I prayed and asked God for another blog post and as I was reading Psalm 103:4 I could literally see myself standing in front of the mirror with a crown on my head. "God redeems your life from the pit AND CROWNS YOU WITH LOVE and compassion". Do you see it? Do you feel it? 

I can tell you that most days I feel the dampness of the pit. The labels that I have placed on myself pulling me down. "Socially awkward, weird, not good enough". When my child throws a fit in the store, "not a good mom". When I walk into a room full of people, "not worth the conversation". I feel the pit when I say something really silly. The pit gets darker as I sit embarrassed about my blond moments or I try to pull my foot out of my mouth. 

Its easy to feel the pit. The darkness closes in around you and becomes unbearable. But do you see it? Jesus at the door of the pit with His hand out, ready and willing to pull you out. HAPPY to pull you out. The beginning of verse 4 says, " He redeems your life from the pit." Satan wants you to think that your pit on earth is as bad as hell,  but I promise you this isnt close to the eternal pit that Jesus pulls you out of.

Do you see it? The wonderful world around you after you take His hand and allow you to pull you out. Do you feel it now? The crown of love? 

When I was in college and single I spent countless days searching my bible for the scripture that said, "And you, Traci, will marry your soulmate and live happily ever after". I never found it. What I found were scriptures that talked about what God sees in me. 

God created me.
 Psalms 139:13 you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. V.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

God has a plan for me and it is good.
jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you says the lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Please to give you a hope and a future. 

God accepts my broken pieces and makes me whole.
 Psalms 147:3 he heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. 

I do not have to be at my best for Jesus to love me.
 Psalms 147:10 his pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the lord delights in those who fear him, who put there hope in his unfailing love. 

Do you see it now? Do you feel it? Are you allowing it to take over? What label have you put on yourself? "Gossip. Cheater. Unlovable. Drug addict". Take it off. Accept Christ and take it off. Now put on love and acceptance and wear that crown proudly. 

Feel it, dont just wear it, feel it. When you walk into a crowded room dont feel shame. Feel love. Live love. You are loved by God, let that be your confidence. Let His love fill the voids, let it be the light that pulls you out of the darkness. 

The world is cruel, friend, and as women and mothers it feels magnified. But when  you live with the knowledge that you are loved by the creator of the universe, there inst much else that is scary. There inst anything you cant do.

So you walk into a crowded room and you arent sure anyone will talk to you? Adjust your crown and remind yourself that are already loved by God and that truly is enough. You dont NEED (yes, it is nice, but) these peoples love and accpetance. 

So your husband left you and you feel so many emotions that you cant sort them. You arent loved any less by God. Let His love over power the pit as you sort through your feelings and step into the new season of life. 

So you feel like you don't measure up to the other moms that that you see picking up their kids at daycare. When you truly live loved, you don't have to measure yourself up against other women. You are enough. 

You arent sure you are good enough?  You are good enough and you are loved. That isnt an opinion. That isnt debatable. That is a fact. I know it's hard. I'm writing this for myself. sometimes it isn't going to be a warm fuzzy feeling. You will just have to rely on the truth that you ARE loved by God and you're not in the pit alone. 

Overcoming Anxiety

Anxiety. Whoa, what a way to start a blog post! Anxiety. Oh, kind of gives you... anxiety, right?

Anxiety has been the gate keeper in the depth of my soul for far too long. Any time joy tried to escape, anxiety was there to hurl it back into the dark corner of the dungeon of my soul. Sounds kind of dramatic right? It is dramatic. Anxiety does feel that dark and scary. Have you been there? Did you think you would escape? Are you there now, wondering if there is a way out?

You want to know what pulled me out of the pit? What kicked anxiety in the stomach and threw it into the place that it belongs? Psalms 23. Not the version that adults read in their bible. Not the version that lots of sports teams recite before a game. It was the kid version.

I was reading it to my kids at the beginning of the year and the words were so simple and so fresh. They tore down walls that anxiety had built up. They read;

God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me

He guides me

He looks after me.

I have everything I need.

Inside, my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft green grass

In a meadow

By a little stream.

Even when I walk through

The dark, scary, lonely places

I won't be afraid

Because my shepherd knows where I am.

He is here with me.

He keeps me safe

He rescues me

He makes me strong

And brave.

He is getting wonderful

Things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of!

He fills my heart so full of happiness

I can't hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God's Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever Love

Will go, too!

"Even in the dark, scary, lonely places I won't be afraid." What are your dark scary lonely places? Mine is social settings, mostly, church settings. I have tried my hardest for years to make sure that the level of anxiety that I feel wasn't what people saw in me. I was sitting at a strong "crippled by anxiety" level. Most Fellowships I could pull off a smile and a "oh I'm just shy" persona. When the truth is the anxiety was overwhelming. "She doesn't really like you, Traci, she is just talking to you because she has to", "Do you see how fast she turned and talked to the other lady that walked through the door. It because you are weird." The horrible thoughts just kept coming. Kept knocking me down. It didn't take long for loneliness to move in. It took up residence right beside anxiety. Constantly making me feel separated from the rest of the world. 

Satan will do that you know? Take your weaknesses and pounce on them. Attack them and make you feel even more weak than you already are. He won't let up either. He will keep knocking you down until you feel Exhausted and discouraged  and you lose the fight and you give in to the darkness. 

You've got to stay in prayer and stay in the word. Focus on what God has made you to be. Take your thoughts and pair them with scripture. 

When you walk into a room full of people and you are seeking the validation of acceptance from other people in the room. "God is my Shepherd. I am his little lamb." I. Am. His. Who cares if no one talks to you as much as they talk to the other people. Are you loved by God? Yes. Then live that way. You are His. 

When you have anxiety about the future. "He leads me. He guides me. He looks after me. I have EVERYTHING I need." The future is scary but if you follow God into it, it will be the best life for you. Period. 

When you are scared and lonely. When you aren't sure where to find your peace and hope. "Even when I walk through the dark, scary and lonely  places, I won't be afraid, because my shepherd KNOWS where I am." He KNOWS where you are and because He isn't just a guy that sits up somewhere in the sky ruling over you, He will meet you where you are. He will be your friend when you feel that you have none. 

When you are in a room full of women that you aren't sure you fit in with. "He is here with me. He keeps me safe. He rescues me. He makes me strong and brave." 

When I am not sure about my future. " He is getting wonderful things ready for me. Especially for me."

When you are sad. "He fills my heart so full of happiness." 

When you feel distance "wherever I go I know, Gods never stopping, never giving up,unbreaking, always and forever love will go too"

When we live our life in the shadow of the cross with our eyes fixed on Jesus, anxiety can't help but take a back seat. When I tell you friends that I was crippled by anxiety. I'm not being dramatic. I mean it. Crippled, enprisoned, in the darkest place. Ive lost count of the number of times I sat and cried because I couldn't do anything else. It didn't happen over night either. It was a slow process. If you are suffering from anxiety, look to the Savior. Remind yourself often that the savior of the world loves you, created you, has a purpose for you and he delights in you. His purpose is NOT for you to cower in the corner  cuddled up with anxiety. Satan wants you to think that is all there is for you. I urge you to fight friend. Look to Jesus. Do your feelings line up with scripture? If not they aren't from God and you need to find a feeling to line up with Gods word.

Stay encouraged, friend. If you need prayer I will gladly pray for you. If you have questions. I will find the answer. If you need to talk, you guessed it. I can listen. :) 

My Testimony

I've struggled with what to write about, do I tackle the big ones like loneliness and anxiety? Do I mom blog? Talk about goals? I finally landed on a solid topic, my testimony. Most people reading this are family but maybe one day others will read it too, and even my family probably doesn't know my whole testimony.

I've always thought my testimony was boring. I grew up in church, accepted Christ as a child and now we still go to church. But I've realized that even "boring" testimonies are so full of Gods Grace and love that they still need to be told.

I grew up in church. Anytime the doors were open we were there. Often when the doors were not open we were there, helping my dad clean the church yard or fixing something on the building. When I was about 8 or so (I know, I don't know the day or year I was saved. It's horrible. Ok. Moving on) I accepted Christ not because I was afraid of hell (although that was part of it) but because I truly understood that I was broken and a sinner and apart from Christ I was going to always be broken and a mess.. I understood that that  Christian life was one I wanted to live and I need to accept Christ to make it official and real. I tried to live my life the best way I understood a Christian should live their life. In high school I opted out of the parties and chose to stay home. It was hard and I felt lonely pretty often but I knew that wasn't going to further the kingdom. When I was a junior in high school I knew that I wanted to be a missionary. I truly felt that call on my life and was ready to pursue it but one thing held me back, parents. I still felt that call on my life pretty strongly so I found other ways to be a missionary where I was. When it came time to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up I thought about what I loved, God and music the most, I decided to become a music producer. It still felt like a ministry and I got to produce music. Win, win right? I was discouraged from pursuing that career and so I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. Teaching made the most sense. I could be a missionary in the classroom and then be a real missionary in the summers.

As I went through college I struggled to find my place. Everyone was partying and drinking and I still didn't want a part of it. The loneliness was unbearable. I didn't want to be a part of the party crowd and I was to afraid to walk into the BSM by myself. So I sat in my dorm room alone and I really began to wrestle with my faith during my first semester of college. Why should I choose a lifestyle that left me so lonely?

Out of desperation I tried the party scene once and hated it. That's when I decided that my faith was real and I needed to love it. God had a plan for me and I just needed to pursue Jesus and do what he placed in front of me (thanks for the motto Marion Jordan). I began to really dig into the Word as I desperately wanted to have a closer relationship with God. I spent many hours listening to Ben Stuart on the breakaway podcast. I read my bible in between classes and often when I was in my dorm. I was looking for scripture that literally said, " and you traci WILL be married and have a  best friend and have all of your dreams come true" I never found those exact words but I did find so so many that spoke about Gods love for me, that he has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, that He has a place for me on earth and in heaven. I read that even though my current situation was lonely and didn't hold much promise that It can still be used for Gods glory. When I felt (and still feel today) that I had no hope I found that scripture says that my hope can be found in Christ.

My childhood and high school years I understood that God loved me enough to send his only Son to die for me and I needed to accept that gift. I wanted to live my life for Christ and tried my best too. But my life was great, I had friends, I was a part of lots of extra curricular activities, I was Diboll Day Queen (don't laugh). I lived for Christ but my need for The friendship of Christ wasn't needed or understood until I was alone in my dorm a couple of hours from everything I knew. That time of loneliness and sadness was a much needed time that I am thankful for because that's when I learned to be friends with Christ and to have a deeper relationship with Him. Eventually, I made a great group of friends and had a great time while I was in college.

Today I am a wife, a mom of two and I teach culinary arts at the high school that I graduated from. I never thought I would be where I am now. I always thought I would be a single girl teaching in a third world country. But I have followed God here and I'm so thankful that I did. I will continue to follow Him and see where He leads us.

I'm back! Maybe for good this time!

Hello, again! It's been a while since I popped my head in, told a story and the left. I've had a lot of request these days! The biggest one being to start posting pictures of my kids on Facebook (not sure I'm going to start but that's another blog post) and the request I've been getting for years is to start blogging again.

I stopped blogging when Sadie was born because sleep deprivation, anxiety and post pardon-depression. Then it was just anxiety that held me back. The longer I went between posting the more people that I didn't know read my blog asked me to write again and it scared me. To be honest, I started the blog because I was lonely. Now I do still struggle with loneliness(thanks social anxiety) but I have more people in my circle that could potentially read my blog and then there it is. I walk into Sunday school and everyone knows my struggles and pain. So I just stopped blogging. But the more and more I pray about my future and the dreams I want to pursue, The stronger I get a longing in my heart to write again, "God, I don't know if I can be vulnerable again. I'm too weird to be any good at this." I pray. And then someone comes along and says "I check your blog often to see if you have anything new. I am waiting."

This blog is about nothing, other than to say that I am back on one condition. You have to promise to not judge me. I struggle with breaking through the small talk stage of my friendships. I long for deeper friendships and I'm afraid that this will just turn people further away from me, but it could also be what I need! I also struggle with anxiety (it will probably be a topic woven into many of my blogs) I fear that if you know to much about me you will think less of me. But here is the truth I am holding on to, God has knit me together, I am perfectly and wonderfully made. I am perfectly flawed because even though I strive to not sin, I still do. And so do you (great encouragement right? It's a spiritual gift)! I am called to serve God in whatever way He calls me to; and seeing how the nagging tightness I get in my chest every time I don't have time to write won't go away, I assume this is something I need to do. My goal is to encourage women, young mothers, socially awkward and the struggling. I hope to always point you to Jesus as I write about what he is doing in my life.

So let's start this off with a little chat. What are your goals for the new year? Mine is to write. What would you like to read about? Also, does anyone use blogger anymore? Should I switch to something more trendy?

The Mom I Am

I sat at the side of the tub with my two year old splashing water and my two week old nursing in my lap. And I. Was. Exhausted.

Andrew would be home. Eventually.

It was okay for the moment because Sadie was happy (I put a little extra lavender oil in her bath) and we would stay there as long as she wanted. I was hoping daddy would be home before her little fingers and toes wrinkled to help me.

I sat and looked at my girls and I felt lonely and tired. Like most days all I could mumble was "God I need you." In the fews weeks I had at work, before I had Remie, I would read from a devotional titled "God At the Kitchen Sink", If I had time while I was getting ready. And that is a big IF. Due to my lack of motivation to clean my bathroom that devotional is still sitting on my bathroom counter so I picked it up and opened it. Honestly, not expecting to get much from it. I was half focused on Remie nursing on my right and Sadie playing in the tub at my feet. I wasn't even sure I would be able to hold the book in a way that I could keep my eye on all three at the same time.

I opened the book and struggled to really read what my eyes were seeing. I kept reading distracted and all. I got to a devotional titled " Why God Does Want Your Messy Heart  " and as I was reading Sadie noticed and said "read the book mommy" I said "you want me to read this to you?" She just responded with huh? Which I've started to translate to yes ma'am. So I started reading where I was,

"So Jesus says come. And He calls the people who are tired, who've worn themselves out. The ones who have a lot on their minds and more than they realize on their hearts. The ones weighed down by life, exhausted from just living. And the best thing is, the only criteria Jesus requires of us to come is to simply feel our need for Him. Because we are depleted. And we're a wreck. And we don't have what it takes."

The scripture she used was Matthew 11:28. Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Before I finished the paragraph she was playing with her toys again but she was quiet just long enough for me to focus on the words.

Before Sadie, I would spend hours praying, reading my bible and singing. After Sadie got here most days I couldn't read more than a couple of verses before she would need me. I thought that because I didn't have hours anymore I simply couldn't come to Jesus at all. Eventually I stopped trying. (That's hard for me to admit) when I started working I would get to school early to have my quiet time and it worked. Most days. But then I got pregnant with Remie and if I had a chance to read my bible I was probably asleep before I could get to the end of the scripture (again, hard to admit. Kind of feel silly admitting it to the internet but there ya go)

Basically, I slacked. I put my daughter and everything else first. Because I thought I needed hours and   A shirt that didn't have sadies yogurt smeared across it before I could go to Jesus.

This summer I realized my GREAT need for Jesus again. Some days all I could get out during my prayer time was "you know my heart".

You know what I've realized?  God made me a momma and I think he understands. Maybe I'm wrong but just because I don't have hours anymore doesn't mean I still don't need to come to Him. I think when a tired mom can only get out the words "God I need you. " in between  chasing toddlers and nursing babies it is just as important as the hours that we would like to spend with Jesus.

Don't get me wrong. It is still very important to make time for a real quiet time but the reality is that sometimes that just doesn't happen. God still says to come anyway. Even if your hair is in a top knot and hasn't been washed in a few days. Even when you are tired. The momma you are is the one God made you to be, the one your kids need. You know as much as I do that our toddlers need us to call on  Jesus!

Are you tired momma? I am too.
Are you busy momma? I get that.
Have you filled in all of your Beth Moore blanks this month? I haven't either.

But you know what? The momma I am needs Jesus. Every hour. Every minute and double when my child is laid out on the floor screaming because She can't get her baby blankets folded and stacked perfectly ( yes, that actually happens. Daily.)

God made us mommas. I think he understands our quick prayers. And He. Is. There. Every time. Because He made us, he gave us these blessings. He knows where we are. He sees our heart. He just wants us to come. And He fills in the rest.

Greater Plans

Janurary 9

"The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties but it does have the one thing I can rest in, God, He is my confidence."

That's what I wrote in my last blog post. I had no clue when I wrote that just how crazy life was about to get. January 10, I became sick as a dog. I could not eat anything. It all sounded gross and I just felt bad. I went to the Dr and he said my allergies were so bad that it was making me lose my lunch. 

January 17 Andrew made me take a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I didn't tell him when I actually took it and it took me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to go back and check the results. I have never felt my heart beat in my ears until the day I realized I was pregnant. 

I was in denial until we went to the Dr. I couldn't be pregnant that wasn't the plan. We live in a one bed room apartment the size of a two car garage. Where was the baby going to sleep? I didn't have a real job yet. Where would we get the money! Our family is four hours away we need to move closer. Like next week! Uncertainties. Doubts. Questions. That's all I felt. Those feelings were gone we heard her heart beat and saw our Sadie girl on the screen. She was just a dot but she is a life that God had a purpose for. She isn't an accident. She is a plan. A plan greater than I could ever imagine. 

I wanted to name her something that meant "faith" or "my mothers sanity" (most of you mommas might be laughing at that and thats okay) because that is exactly what happened. 

As you read on Jan. 9. I was in the process of coming to grips with being okay with the place I was in but I still struggled with stress and anxiety. But as soon as that little dot showed up on the screen and her heart beat echoed in the room it all went away. God had a plan greater than mine. Obviously. And he would not create this life just to leave us hanging. Soon after a few things happened. I got a job at camp with benefits and the camp started planning to add an extra room to our apartment. 

There are still a lot of things to figure out. And there will be intense stressful times in the lifetime to come but it's okay. Right now the most pressing is child care. We are desperate for a private sitter while I work but it looks like our only option at the moment is daycare. I have lost sleep thinking about my baby spending all day in the care of someone I don't know. But if that's what it comes to then that is also a part of the plan I don't understand. I'll learn to be okay with it. 

The lesson I seem to continuo be reminded of is this...

There really is peace when we choose to trust Gods plans. It took a big "oops" for me to figure that out but it is the best "oops" that could have ever happened. 

When we trust God. Our doubts can become confidence. The stressful things might stay stressful but become easy to handle. The good things become great. And there are even little miracles along the way. 

God cares for even the sparrows. How much more does he care for his children? More than expecting mothers and long distance families could ever feel for our own.

What They Do Not Teach You In College

This time last year I was a new college graduate. If you would have asked me about my plans I would have said: get a job with benefits and a grown-up pay check, pay off loans, start a family and then go to seminary so that I could start my real career of working with college girls. That was the plan because that is what the world told me to do and it made sense.

 My plans didn't work out. I graduated in December and did not find a teaching job. At the end of the summer I found myself with a whole new layer of insecurities as I realized that I was without any fruits to my labor. No benefits. No grown-up pay check.  No feeling of self worth. 

A little drastic? Maybe. But I just felt worthless. With every question, "have you found a job yet? No, well your sister found a job". Just twisted the dagger in my heart a little more. 

You see, while you are in college you are training yourself for a specific skill, a specific role, a specific title with the expectation of one day being called, Mrs. Somebody. When you graduate you receive a piece of paper that states that you have done the work and been trained for a specific job. So that is what you are supposed to pursue right? If you went to college to be a teacher then you teach. If you went to college to be a business woman then why would you pursue a career in anything other than a job with a corner office and a view?

When you are in college you will more than likely create a game plan for yourself and start out following that plan after graduation. What you have to keep in mind is that your plan is not always Gods plan. Your plan might be great. But even if it is, you still need to do what you feel God is leading you too. Sometimes, God will lead you to a place that you are not comfortable with, as uncomfortable as it may be you can not forget that God is with you.

 In college they teach you to ask questions and get answers. With God, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just go. I heard Marion Jordan Ellis say in a message one time that the best thing you can do is to you love Jesus and do what he puts in front of you.

I think it is okay to ask questions, sure, but do not question God. Does that make sense? Do not wait for a five year plan to make a move. Just move. It is not your job to understand. It is your job to obey. 

I made a move this semester, I enrolled at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and am pursuing my Masters in Christian Education and Women's Ministry and I have not stopped looking for a real job. I have found that I stress less now than when I actually had a plan. People do not understand, they want to know my five year plan. They want to know when I will have a job with benefits. All I can tell them is that my goal is to be in a ministry that is focused on teenage/college aged girls. I do not know how I will get there but I trust Christ. Some days I think "I have a college degree, why do I not have a real job?" and then I think about scriptures like 1 Corinthians  2:8-10

   However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,

    what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived”—

    the things God has prepared for those who love him—

 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

Some days it is hard to be in the place that I am but I remember that God has a plan for me and I have to be here now to get to where I need to be later. I do not know much more than that. As long as I am loving Jesus and doing what is placed in front of me I will be fine. The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties, but it does have the one thing that I can rest in, God, he is my confidence.

This is the deal. When you are in college they define success by how quickly you reach your goal and how much money you make. The real success can sometimes be found in the "unsuccessful" days of searching and longing for a job. The real definition of success is pursuing Gods plan for your life and even when it does not make sense you go anyway. You cannot fail if you do that. Even if the world thinks that you are... you. can. not. fail. with. God.