The Mom I Am

I sat at the side of the tub with my two year old splashing water and my two week old nursing in my lap. And I. Was. Exhausted.

Andrew would be home. Eventually.

It was okay for the moment because Sadie was happy (I put a little extra lavender oil in her bath) and we would stay there as long as she wanted. I was hoping daddy would be home before her little fingers and toes wrinkled to help me.

I sat and looked at my girls and I felt lonely and tired. Like most days all I could mumble was "God I need you." In the fews weeks I had at work, before I had Remie, I would read from a devotional titled "God At the Kitchen Sink", If I had time while I was getting ready. And that is a big IF. Due to my lack of motivation to clean my bathroom that devotional is still sitting on my bathroom counter so I picked it up and opened it. Honestly, not expecting to get much from it. I was half focused on Remie nursing on my right and Sadie playing in the tub at my feet. I wasn't even sure I would be able to hold the book in a way that I could keep my eye on all three at the same time.

I opened the book and struggled to really read what my eyes were seeing. I kept reading distracted and all. I got to a devotional titled " Why God Does Want Your Messy Heart  " and as I was reading Sadie noticed and said "read the book mommy" I said "you want me to read this to you?" She just responded with huh? Which I've started to translate to yes ma'am. So I started reading where I was,

"So Jesus says come. And He calls the people who are tired, who've worn themselves out. The ones who have a lot on their minds and more than they realize on their hearts. The ones weighed down by life, exhausted from just living. And the best thing is, the only criteria Jesus requires of us to come is to simply feel our need for Him. Because we are depleted. And we're a wreck. And we don't have what it takes."

The scripture she used was Matthew 11:28. Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Before I finished the paragraph she was playing with her toys again but she was quiet just long enough for me to focus on the words.

Before Sadie, I would spend hours praying, reading my bible and singing. After Sadie got here most days I couldn't read more than a couple of verses before she would need me. I thought that because I didn't have hours anymore I simply couldn't come to Jesus at all. Eventually I stopped trying. (That's hard for me to admit) when I started working I would get to school early to have my quiet time and it worked. Most days. But then I got pregnant with Remie and if I had a chance to read my bible I was probably asleep before I could get to the end of the scripture (again, hard to admit. Kind of feel silly admitting it to the internet but there ya go)

Basically, I slacked. I put my daughter and everything else first. Because I thought I needed hours and   A shirt that didn't have sadies yogurt smeared across it before I could go to Jesus.

This summer I realized my GREAT need for Jesus again. Some days all I could get out during my prayer time was "you know my heart".

You know what I've realized?  God made me a momma and I think he understands. Maybe I'm wrong but just because I don't have hours anymore doesn't mean I still don't need to come to Him. I think when a tired mom can only get out the words "God I need you. " in between  chasing toddlers and nursing babies it is just as important as the hours that we would like to spend with Jesus.

Don't get me wrong. It is still very important to make time for a real quiet time but the reality is that sometimes that just doesn't happen. God still says to come anyway. Even if your hair is in a top knot and hasn't been washed in a few days. Even when you are tired. The momma you are is the one God made you to be, the one your kids need. You know as much as I do that our toddlers need us to call on  Jesus!

Are you tired momma? I am too.
Are you busy momma? I get that.
Have you filled in all of your Beth Moore blanks this month? I haven't either.

But you know what? The momma I am needs Jesus. Every hour. Every minute and double when my child is laid out on the floor screaming because She can't get her baby blankets folded and stacked perfectly ( yes, that actually happens. Daily.)

God made us mommas. I think he understands our quick prayers. And He. Is. There. Every time. Because He made us, he gave us these blessings. He knows where we are. He sees our heart. He just wants us to come. And He fills in the rest.

Greater Plans

Janurary 9

"The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties but it does have the one thing I can rest in, God, He is my confidence."

That's what I wrote in my last blog post. I had no clue when I wrote that just how crazy life was about to get. January 10, I became sick as a dog. I could not eat anything. It all sounded gross and I just felt bad. I went to the Dr and he said my allergies were so bad that it was making me lose my lunch. 

January 17 Andrew made me take a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I didn't tell him when I actually took it and it took me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to go back and check the results. I have never felt my heart beat in my ears until the day I realized I was pregnant. 

I was in denial until we went to the Dr. I couldn't be pregnant that wasn't the plan. We live in a one bed room apartment the size of a two car garage. Where was the baby going to sleep? I didn't have a real job yet. Where would we get the money! Our family is four hours away we need to move closer. Like next week! Uncertainties. Doubts. Questions. That's all I felt. Those feelings were gone we heard her heart beat and saw our Sadie girl on the screen. She was just a dot but she is a life that God had a purpose for. She isn't an accident. She is a plan. A plan greater than I could ever imagine. 

I wanted to name her something that meant "faith" or "my mothers sanity" (most of you mommas might be laughing at that and thats okay) because that is exactly what happened. 

As you read on Jan. 9. I was in the process of coming to grips with being okay with the place I was in but I still struggled with stress and anxiety. But as soon as that little dot showed up on the screen and her heart beat echoed in the room it all went away. God had a plan greater than mine. Obviously. And he would not create this life just to leave us hanging. Soon after a few things happened. I got a job at camp with benefits and the camp started planning to add an extra room to our apartment. 

There are still a lot of things to figure out. And there will be intense stressful times in the lifetime to come but it's okay. Right now the most pressing is child care. We are desperate for a private sitter while I work but it looks like our only option at the moment is daycare. I have lost sleep thinking about my baby spending all day in the care of someone I don't know. But if that's what it comes to then that is also a part of the plan I don't understand. I'll learn to be okay with it. 

The lesson I seem to continuo be reminded of is this...

There really is peace when we choose to trust Gods plans. It took a big "oops" for me to figure that out but it is the best "oops" that could have ever happened. 

When we trust God. Our doubts can become confidence. The stressful things might stay stressful but become easy to handle. The good things become great. And there are even little miracles along the way. 

God cares for even the sparrows. How much more does he care for his children? More than expecting mothers and long distance families could ever feel for our own.

What They Do Not Teach You In College

This time last year I was a new college graduate. If you would have asked me about my plans I would have said: get a job with benefits and a grown-up pay check, pay off loans, start a family and then go to seminary so that I could start my real career of working with college girls. That was the plan because that is what the world told me to do and it made sense.

 My plans didn't work out. I graduated in December and did not find a teaching job. At the end of the summer I found myself with a whole new layer of insecurities as I realized that I was without any fruits to my labor. No benefits. No grown-up pay check.  No feeling of self worth. 

A little drastic? Maybe. But I just felt worthless. With every question, "have you found a job yet? No, well your sister found a job". Just twisted the dagger in my heart a little more. 

You see, while you are in college you are training yourself for a specific skill, a specific role, a specific title with the expectation of one day being called, Mrs. Somebody. When you graduate you receive a piece of paper that states that you have done the work and been trained for a specific job. So that is what you are supposed to pursue right? If you went to college to be a teacher then you teach. If you went to college to be a business woman then why would you pursue a career in anything other than a job with a corner office and a view?

When you are in college you will more than likely create a game plan for yourself and start out following that plan after graduation. What you have to keep in mind is that your plan is not always Gods plan. Your plan might be great. But even if it is, you still need to do what you feel God is leading you too. Sometimes, God will lead you to a place that you are not comfortable with, as uncomfortable as it may be you can not forget that God is with you.

 In college they teach you to ask questions and get answers. With God, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just go. I heard Marion Jordan Ellis say in a message one time that the best thing you can do is to you love Jesus and do what he puts in front of you.

I think it is okay to ask questions, sure, but do not question God. Does that make sense? Do not wait for a five year plan to make a move. Just move. It is not your job to understand. It is your job to obey. 

I made a move this semester, I enrolled at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and am pursuing my Masters in Christian Education and Women's Ministry and I have not stopped looking for a real job. I have found that I stress less now than when I actually had a plan. People do not understand, they want to know my five year plan. They want to know when I will have a job with benefits. All I can tell them is that my goal is to be in a ministry that is focused on teenage/college aged girls. I do not know how I will get there but I trust Christ. Some days I think "I have a college degree, why do I not have a real job?" and then I think about scriptures like 1 Corinthians  2:8-10

   However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,

    what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived”—

    the things God has prepared for those who love him—

 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

Some days it is hard to be in the place that I am but I remember that God has a plan for me and I have to be here now to get to where I need to be later. I do not know much more than that. As long as I am loving Jesus and doing what is placed in front of me I will be fine. The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties, but it does have the one thing that I can rest in, God, he is my confidence.

This is the deal. When you are in college they define success by how quickly you reach your goal and how much money you make. The real success can sometimes be found in the "unsuccessful" days of searching and longing for a job. The real definition of success is pursuing Gods plan for your life and even when it does not make sense you go anyway. You cannot fail if you do that. Even if the world thinks that you are... you. can. not. fail. with. God.

New Year - Old Me

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am such a huge fan of the new year. My Grandpa told me once that "they" say whatever you are doing when the clock strikes midnight will be what your whole year will be like. I took it to heart. Silly I know... but in the years past I have read my Bible and spent time worshiping at midnight, I have been with friends, so on and so forth. Last year Andrew and I were asleep by 10 pm NYE!! I was ridiculously upset about it!!
So this year I invited our family to Glen Rose to bring in the new year. Naturally we played games all night and I lost. All. Night. Long.

The clock struck midnight and my score turned to the positive. I was more excited about it than I should have been.

Like most people, I set goals for the new year. This year they are simple.

1. Be excited about every day the same way that I am excited about the new year. Because God's mercies are new every morning, not just every new year. Along with this, I have made Psalm 37: 23-26 my verse  to claim for the year.

2. Be positive. I was extremely negative this past year and honestly, I am over it.

3. Journal every day. Maybe this will be a blog post all on its own. I believe journaling is as healthy as drinking 8 cups of water a day.

4. Get back to the old me. Back to the days when I did not think about working out or eating right, it was not a choice it was just what I did.

5. Reconnect with old friends. I REALLY MISS all of my friends that I left in East Texas and I really, really want to figure out how to balance life in North Texas while still maintaining friendships hours away.

There it is folks. These are all things that I use to do. For whatever reason, 2013 wreaked havoc on my mind and health. So this new year is going to be about getting back to the old me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

What are your goals?

Joy In The Wilderness

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la...blah blah blah blah. I know I am not alone in this feeling.

I LOVE Christmas! I do... a whole lot! But this year the joy is a bit tough to find ...this year will be the hardest year. There will be more empty places and less faces. My family seems to have spent more time in the wilderness in the past ten years than most people I know.The joy of the season could quite possibly be a little less merry and bright this year as we gather around the tree, Christmas morning, at my Grandma's house. It will be my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and the first one with out Grandpa. It will be hard, there will be tears... BUT, there is still joy in the season... its the reason (it is so easy to make this post rhyme, humor me).

Jesus.

This season I have focused more on Jesus (as I should do every season). This Christmas, my joy will come from the joy of celebrating the birth of my Savior and no so much focus on who is and who isn't gathered around the tree. This season Jingle Bells doesn't mean much. O Holy Night and Breath of Heaven are my anthems. Have you heard the chorus to Breath of Heaven? (My Momma sings it better than anyone I know, yes, even Amy Grant.) The chorus is beautiful and will be my prayer.

Breath of Heaven, Hold me together

Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven

As sad as it is going to be, I think I will enjoy this season more than any other because I finally get it. I have always understood the reason for the season and as a Christian that is what my intent has always been but, this season I am anticipating Christmas joy like I have never felt as I fully focus on the birth of Jesus and not buying the perfect gift or even how much time I get to spend with my family (don't get me wrong, I am still very much looking forward to it and will cherish every minute of it).

We are in a wilderness but there is joy there for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ!

Side Note: I like to think that we are still celebrating Christmas with Joseph, Uncle Charles and Grandpa. Sure their physical bodies are not here but they are in Heaven with Jesus, celebrating. Loss is hard and this doesn't fix it but it does help me. Maybe it'll help you.

Letter to the Anti-Christian

I was looking around iTunes a few weeks ago and came across a song that really disturbed me and the message of the song has been weighing heavy on my heart since then. The lyrics went like this, "If you don't go to church you'll go to hell, if you're the first one on the front row you're a self righteous son of a- cant win for losing you'll just disappoint em, just cause you cant beat em, don't mean you should join em".

After hearing the song I was overwhelmed with curiosity about how this person lives. What I continued to gather from this person was that because Christians are so judgmental and hateful towards non-believers, she strongly disliked them and has the wrong idea about who God is.

I said all that because I want to address this type of person, the Anti-Christian. I know most people that read my blog are family and friends but there are some people whom I have hurt that could stumble upon this and it could make a difference.

Dear You,

     I see your rebellion against God and it makes my heart ache. Not because of your actions, but because of how you got there. I understand that you have been judged in the past by people who claim to be a Christian and I can understand the bitter taste in your mouth towards God and anyone affiliated with Him. I am writing this letter to apologize and to let you in on a secret.
    First, I am so sorry that you have gotten the wrong impression of the Great and Powerful God that I love. His people have lead you to believe that He is as crude and judgmental as they are. Exodus 33 says that God is first, gracious and second, a judge. He does judge and discipline but it is all out of love. 

    I am sorry that by our judgments and actions you think that you need to be perfect and follow a bunch of rules to know the Awesome God that we serve. Or you do not care to know God because of our nose in the air. I bet that word scares you, serve... why should you "serve" anyone, right? It is a service but its not the " yes, Mista Masta" kind of service like so many believe that it is. Serving God is the most freeing feeling in the world. The service comes from your actions, living your life in a way that reflects Christ.
      I am truly and deeply sorry if someone has told you how awful you are because of your lifestyle. Sometimes, Christian or not, we do not understand other peoples issues because we are struggling with our own problems. I am so sorry you have the wrong idea about the Love of God because of our glances, whispers and out right calling you out.
     When you make the decision to live for Christ you do not turn into a "Holier Than Thou" robot, you are still you. I am not sure when or why that idea started floating around but it is totally wrong. God made you, whether you follow him or not, and He made you the way you are on purpose.

      Lets be honest, sin is fun but it is a temporary high and more than likely guilt follows it, even for you who claim to not care. At the end of the day we are looking for one thing, love. I know that because that is how God created us, to love and be loved. Being a Christian does not shield is from sin, it just means that we are forgiven and do not have to carry guilt around like a ton of bricks. God does not expect us to be sinless, He expects us to be obedient. The common thought these days is that God counts your wrongs and you have to work to make up for it. That is so not true! Every mistake you make God forgives,  He good choice you make God celebrates but not matter what you do, good or bad, God accepts you with open arms.  

    Would you like to know a secret? The Church pews are full of people that screw up on a daily basis, we ARE hypocritical and judgmental but we ARE human. We do have our own struggles and demons on our back. We do sin. We are not perfect people, we serve a perfect God. Sometimes we get confused about that. I wish I could tell you why we seem so crude and put together at the same time. I wish I had an answer for all the judgement. I wish I had an answer for all the times that someone has told you how horrible you are "in the name of Jesus". The only explanation I have is that we struggle with understanding the true meaning of grace.  I wish I could help you to understand what we are really all about and when we "push Jesus down your throat" it is not because we are judging you, it is because we love you. All I ask is that you have a more open mind about the people you hate for "having a closed mind".

Love (and I mean that),
Me

P.S. To the people who claim to be Christians, love people more and judge less, we really are becoming a minority and our judgments do not help. Lead people to Christ with your actions before you speak a word. 

I am open for discussion :) 

Lessons From My Grandpa

When I was in the third grade I remember my Mom telling me that my Grandpa only has a few years left with us and that I needed to spend time with him.  My third grade brain took the "few years" quite literally and I started to pray that my Grandpa would be around to see me go to Jr High. During that time I spent a lot of time with Grandpa. My Mom would drag me out of bed on early summer mornings and I would go to Grandpa's shop to pull nails out of old cedar fence boards so that he could use them to build birdhouses and such. He paid me 5 cents for every clean board, so I worked until I made 5 dollars and then I would go home. When Canton weekend would come around once a month, I would load up with Grandpa and spend the week selling bird houses with him. Grandpa would talk and talk to anyone that would listen... or look like they were at least. And he would always be sure to let them know that I was his Granddaughter.

Sometimes Grandpa would just take me fishing. One time his said the birds were in and we were going to go find them. So off we went...and came back with about 50 catfish, but you know how fishing stories go.

When Jr High came around, I thanked God that he was still around and asked that he would be around to see all of us graduate from high school. During those years Grandpa was at every thing that I did. Track, band, twirling, it did not matter I knew where I could find Grandpa; at the top of the bleachers, talking to anyone that would listen.

I have a lot of memories with Grandpa in them, smiling and talking. They are memories that will forever be in my heart because Grandpa went to be with Jesus two weeks ago.

I walked out of my parents house the morning after and expected to hear saws and nail guns ringing in his shop and as I walked by the place where he spent so much time I was expecting to hear him yell, "Hey! Where's your dog?" But it was silent...

The night he passed we were driving to Diboll I thought about the week I spent with my grandparents, two weeks before. I got to eat pork chops from Brookshires with my Grandpa and when Davison got lost in the woods Grandpa picked me up at the crack of dawn to go find him. As we rode around Diboll looking for him, Grandpa would tell me about how he use to go squirrel hunting in this neighborhood and how so and so use to live over there. I think God might of lead Davidson away for a little while so that Grandpa and I could have one last ride together. 

My mom told me I had a good week with Grandpa. I corrected her with "I had a great life with Grandpa". 

I remember him bouncing me on his knee as a child and singing "ride that horsey down town". I am sure like so many other songs he sang that it was just something he had made up.

I have years and years of sweet memories with my grandpa, I'm not sure how to even process it all yet. I am sure that I will spend the rest of my life reliving the good times and making sure that I love my kids and grandkids the way that Grandpa loved us.

I learned a lot from Grandpa, lessons that far exceed how to build a birdhouse, catch a fish or mow a yard, the greatest thing he taught me was how to live life to the fullest. The man seemed to squeeze the most out of every day and he did it by love. My Grandpa loved more pure and more deep than anyone I know and his love was truly unconditional. He loved God, his family, sports and food. Boy did he love food. In fact the last time I talked to him was Saturday night. I had facetimed my mom and she was on her way to his house. When she gave him the phone he was enjoying a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I know not because I saw the bowl but because he had a ring of chocolate around his mouth. 

He celebrated his family; every little achievement was a big deal to Grandpa. He made me feel like I was the greatest- my senior year in high school I was the feature twirler and my picture ended up on the front page of the Lufkin Daily News. Later that afternoon I pulled in the drive and Grandpa hollered at me to go up there. He met me with a huge smile and a sharpie and said, "I want the fist autograph" I didn't know what he was talking about until he grabbed the closest thing to him, a small license plate, and said, "here sign your name on this and put feature twirler by it". He hung it up right then and I'm sure it still hangs there today. 

I could write a book about the love my grandpa had for my grandma and our family but I think I better stop before I get carried away.

I have a picture in my mind of Grandpa's recliner. He would sit there at night as he watched sports and monitored the neighborhood; he knew everyone's head lights and would expect a reason for us coming or going late at night. It is so strange to see it empty... I guess that the perfect metaphor for how our life will be  with out him here. My heart aches for our family and everyone that knew Grandpa. I am sad for my future children because they will never know how great he was. 

I'm going to miss his smile, his laugh, all the goofy things he use to say and how no matter what he always ended our conversation with "You be good, Grandpa loves you".

 A piece of me is in heaven today. 

But.  

I thank God that this is not where my grandpas life ends. It is where it begins because when he took his last breath on earth he took his first in eternity. That is where I find my peace. I will see my grandpa again.