Hey friend!
I didn’t think I was going to have a post for this month! For one, life has been CRAZY busy. Two, I spent most of this month struggling with feeling like I am not enough. That is what the September post was about and I didn’t want too double dip. Since it came up a couple of times this month I think I need to explain something really quick. I normally write a post when I am at the middle of my struggle because I want to be as real and honest as possible. I have tried to write after the tough time but I feel like I am boasting about what I have persevered through and it does not mean as much. So just know when I post something I am all in it with you and the reason I share is so that we can encourage each other as we walk through this together.
Alright, the real reason I am here.
I am not a patient person. When I get an idea in my head it consumes me and I pursue it until I see it happen. I have dreams and goals that I have been praying over for yeeeaaars. I wrote these dreams down years ago and thought that because I wrote them down and prayed over them that they would happen on my time table and the way I want them to happen. Spoiler alert, years later I am still dreaming and still praying. I have spent years pouring my heart out to God, begging Him to make my dreams come true. “It’s for your glory, God! So why isn’t it happening? ...” crickets... “no? I must not be good enough” I would then go and pout in a corner. While I was pouting my head was filling with lies. “You’re stupid for thinking that God would ever do anything like that with your life. He loves you enough to save you but not enough to favor you” I would then begin to feel alone and isolated. When I walked into a room those words would play over and over in my head so I would just go sit in a corner with a virtual sign over my head “Hi. I’m not good enough. Don’t sit here.” Real Eeyore kind of stuff.
Do you remember my post about anxiety? If not, you can go back and read it here. Yall, that moment was the turning point for me. I decided to step out of the pity party and into the truth. I made the decision to live fully rooted and grounded in Gods word. God broke the chains of anxiety and I ran to Him as quickly as I could. Life felt fresh and new. I was able to let people into my life and when I prayed it felt real. Unlike before when my life felt fake and I swore my prayers didn’t make it off the couch. Do you know what? Some of my prayers that I prayed in the darkness and after the darkness have been answered. I have a group of women in my life now that I call friend and it’s real. They encourage me and walk through my days with me and I try to do the same for them. It has been wonderful, having these ladies to talk and laugh with during the day (one of them joked a few weeks ago about wanting to be mentioned in my blog. Here you go, friend).
But do you know what hasn’t happened since I stepped out of anxiety? My big dreams have not become reality yet. The things I have poured my heart and soul into planning and praying for are still just prayers in my journal. I have recently felt myself slowly slipping into the dark pit of despair. I don’t want to go back to that place. I have fought to stay in a good place.
A few years ago I was sitting in my Old Testament class in seminary and we were discussing Exodus. One lady spoke up, “you now that the promise land was only a few days walk from Egypt? But because they complained and didn’t trust God’s and turned from Him they wondered for forty years. They expanded their wilderness”. That has stuck with me. They expanded their wilderness. They didn’t wait well.
I have had several conversations with women this week about the season of waiting we are in. All of our longings are different but the wait is the same. We are just loving Jesus and trying to be faithful with what he has given us as we wait for what we feel he has put on our hearts to happen. It didn’t really hit me until this morning that that was the theme of my week. Waiting.
What are you waiting for? Is your heart discouraged because you have waited for so long? Have you been throwing pity parties or choosing to find the joy in the situation? I’m going to be honest. I don’t wait well. If I don’t put effort into taking my thoughts captive I can slip right into the biggest pity party. I struggle to choose joy. I have always pictured people sitting at a coffee shop sipping their latte and just being joyful. When I “choose joy” it looks more like a game of tag. Joy is running all around sticking it’s tongue out at me and I am running my heart out to catch it. Psalm 16:11 says, “you make known to me the path of life;in your presence there is the fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”. Just keeping it real, I used to read that verse and think, “ I am going to get what I want because it says that pleasures are forevermore. I just need to focus on Jesus”. Now I see and understand that my ideas and God’s idea might be different. I think, “ I’m going to have all the kids I want and the perfect career and a big house with lots of land and I will be happy”. God says, “I have a plan for you and it is good (Jeremiah 29:11). I work all things out for our good (Romans 8:28). You just need to wait well”.
I am still learning how to wait well. I fail often but I am trying as hard as I can. So this is what I think waiting well looks like
1. Trusting God. Not just when things are going right but really trusting God even when life sucks. When your dreams are laying shattered on the floor, you don’t fall down with them and if you do you do not stay there for long. You clean up the mess and you stand firm, trusting God and His wisdom and love for you. The Bible is God’s love story for us. It isn’t just for the woman next door that appears to have it all. It is for you, friend. Every promise, every victory, Jesus death and resurrection to save the lost... it’s all for you. You have to stand firm, rooted and grounded in the word of God. Start with Ephesians if you are overwhelmed by all of the pages.
2. Pray continuously. Listen, I teach 6th graders, I am constantly calling on Jesus on behalf of those kids and myself, especially when there is a full moon. I love them, but God loves them more. When I am not praying I have a worship song I am singing in my head, Touch of Heaven by Hillsong is my current anthem. I am not bragging. I am only telling you that you must stay in the mind set of worship and praise. Where worship resides, evil cannot.
3. Take your thoughts captive. I had a really great day earlier this week. I saw prayers I have prayed for years answered right in front of me. It was so cool! I spent hours over the years asking God to make these things happen. I prayed so hard and so often without an answer that I felt stupid for praying about it, yet again. But something in me wouldn’t let me stop praying. I saw a sliver of those prayers answered and it was exciting. As soon as I walked away from that situation and back to real life the attack started. “They were just being nice, Traci. It’s not real. You’re still not enough for God to use you in that way. You're too weird” on and on they went. I have not handled it super well. I believed them about 85% of the time this week. I was really cranky yesterday afternoon because I gave into those thoughts completely. I eventually had to stop and think “are these thoughts based on scripture?” No. They aren’t. God does not speak to us in that way. I had to choose... still need to choose to take those thoughts captive and instead remember the scriptures.
“God does not give us a spirit of fear” 2 Timothy 1:7
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you” Jeremiah 29:11
“Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall” 2 Peter 1:10
Psalm 42... I’ll just make that your homework. Read it. Memorize it. Love it.
My prayer for you friend, is that you can step out of the darkness, chase joy, dare to dream, give those dreams to God, let Him lead you in your life and wait well. Psalms 27:14 says, “wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord”.
PS. At some point we will have to discuss what we do when what we want is clearly a closed door... Im not ready to get there yet, how about you?
