I've struggled with what to write about, do I tackle the big ones like loneliness and anxiety? Do I mom blog? Talk about goals? I finally landed on a solid topic, my testimony. Most people reading this are family but maybe one day others will read it too, and even my family probably doesn't know my whole testimony.
I've always thought my testimony was boring. I grew up in church, accepted Christ as a child and now we still go to church. But I've realized that even "boring" testimonies are so full of Gods Grace and love that they still need to be told.
I grew up in church. Anytime the doors were open we were there. Often when the doors were not open we were there, helping my dad clean the church yard or fixing something on the building. When I was about 8 or so (I know, I don't know the day or year I was saved. It's horrible. Ok. Moving on) I accepted Christ not because I was afraid of hell (although that was part of it) but because I truly understood that I was broken and a sinner and apart from Christ I was going to always be broken and a mess.. I understood that that Christian life was one I wanted to live and I need to accept Christ to make it official and real. I tried to live my life the best way I understood a Christian should live their life. In high school I opted out of the parties and chose to stay home. It was hard and I felt lonely pretty often but I knew that wasn't going to further the kingdom. When I was a junior in high school I knew that I wanted to be a missionary. I truly felt that call on my life and was ready to pursue it but one thing held me back, parents. I still felt that call on my life pretty strongly so I found other ways to be a missionary where I was. When it came time to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up I thought about what I loved, God and music the most, I decided to become a music producer. It still felt like a ministry and I got to produce music. Win, win right? I was discouraged from pursuing that career and so I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. Teaching made the most sense. I could be a missionary in the classroom and then be a real missionary in the summers.
As I went through college I struggled to find my place. Everyone was partying and drinking and I still didn't want a part of it. The loneliness was unbearable. I didn't want to be a part of the party crowd and I was to afraid to walk into the BSM by myself. So I sat in my dorm room alone and I really began to wrestle with my faith during my first semester of college. Why should I choose a lifestyle that left me so lonely?
Out of desperation I tried the party scene once and hated it. That's when I decided that my faith was real and I needed to love it. God had a plan for me and I just needed to pursue Jesus and do what he placed in front of me (thanks for the motto Marion Jordan). I began to really dig into the Word as I desperately wanted to have a closer relationship with God. I spent many hours listening to Ben Stuart on the breakaway podcast. I read my bible in between classes and often when I was in my dorm. I was looking for scripture that literally said, " and you traci WILL be married and have a best friend and have all of your dreams come true" I never found those exact words but I did find so so many that spoke about Gods love for me, that he has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, that He has a place for me on earth and in heaven. I read that even though my current situation was lonely and didn't hold much promise that It can still be used for Gods glory. When I felt (and still feel today) that I had no hope I found that scripture says that my hope can be found in Christ.
My childhood and high school years I understood that God loved me enough to send his only Son to die for me and I needed to accept that gift. I wanted to live my life for Christ and tried my best too. But my life was great, I had friends, I was a part of lots of extra curricular activities, I was Diboll Day Queen (don't laugh). I lived for Christ but my need for The friendship of Christ wasn't needed or understood until I was alone in my dorm a couple of hours from everything I knew. That time of loneliness and sadness was a much needed time that I am thankful for because that's when I learned to be friends with Christ and to have a deeper relationship with Him. Eventually, I made a great group of friends and had a great time while I was in college.
Today I am a wife, a mom of two and I teach culinary arts at the high school that I graduated from. I never thought I would be where I am now. I always thought I would be a single girl teaching in a third world country. But I have followed God here and I'm so thankful that I did. I will continue to follow Him and see where He leads us.
