Janurary 9
That's what I wrote in my last blog post. I had no clue when I wrote that just how crazy life was about to get. January 10, I became sick as a dog. I could not eat anything. It all sounded gross and I just felt bad. I went to the Dr and he said my allergies were so bad that it was making me lose my lunch.
January 17 Andrew made me take a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I didn't tell him when I actually took it and it took me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to go back and check the results. I have never felt my heart beat in my ears until the day I realized I was pregnant.
I was in denial until we went to the Dr. I couldn't be pregnant that wasn't the plan. We live in a one bed room apartment the size of a two car garage. Where was the baby going to sleep? I didn't have a real job yet. Where would we get the money! Our family is four hours away we need to move closer. Like next week! Uncertainties. Doubts. Questions. That's all I felt. Those feelings were gone we heard her heart beat and saw our Sadie girl on the screen. She was just a dot but she is a life that God had a purpose for. She isn't an accident. She is a plan. A plan greater than I could ever imagine.
I wanted to name her something that meant "faith" or "my mothers sanity" (most of you mommas might be laughing at that and thats okay) because that is exactly what happened.
As you read on Jan. 9. I was in the process of coming to grips with being okay with the place I was in but I still struggled with stress and anxiety. But as soon as that little dot showed up on the screen and her heart beat echoed in the room it all went away. God had a plan greater than mine. Obviously. And he would not create this life just to leave us hanging. Soon after a few things happened. I got a job at camp with benefits and the camp started planning to add an extra room to our apartment.
There are still a lot of things to figure out. And there will be intense stressful times in the lifetime to come but it's okay. Right now the most pressing is child care. We are desperate for a private sitter while I work but it looks like our only option at the moment is daycare. I have lost sleep thinking about my baby spending all day in the care of someone I don't know. But if that's what it comes to then that is also a part of the plan I don't understand. I'll learn to be okay with it.
The lesson I seem to continuo be reminded of is this...
There really is peace when we choose to trust Gods plans. It took a big "oops" for me to figure that out but it is the best "oops" that could have ever happened.
When we trust God. Our doubts can become confidence. The stressful things might stay stressful but become easy to handle. The good things become great. And there are even little miracles along the way.
God cares for even the sparrows. How much more does he care for his children? More than expecting mothers and long distance families could ever feel for our own.
