Greater Plans

Janurary 9

"The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties but it does have the one thing I can rest in, God, He is my confidence."

That's what I wrote in my last blog post. I had no clue when I wrote that just how crazy life was about to get. January 10, I became sick as a dog. I could not eat anything. It all sounded gross and I just felt bad. I went to the Dr and he said my allergies were so bad that it was making me lose my lunch. 

January 17 Andrew made me take a pregnancy test. I was so nervous I didn't tell him when I actually took it and it took me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to go back and check the results. I have never felt my heart beat in my ears until the day I realized I was pregnant. 

I was in denial until we went to the Dr. I couldn't be pregnant that wasn't the plan. We live in a one bed room apartment the size of a two car garage. Where was the baby going to sleep? I didn't have a real job yet. Where would we get the money! Our family is four hours away we need to move closer. Like next week! Uncertainties. Doubts. Questions. That's all I felt. Those feelings were gone we heard her heart beat and saw our Sadie girl on the screen. She was just a dot but she is a life that God had a purpose for. She isn't an accident. She is a plan. A plan greater than I could ever imagine. 

I wanted to name her something that meant "faith" or "my mothers sanity" (most of you mommas might be laughing at that and thats okay) because that is exactly what happened. 

As you read on Jan. 9. I was in the process of coming to grips with being okay with the place I was in but I still struggled with stress and anxiety. But as soon as that little dot showed up on the screen and her heart beat echoed in the room it all went away. God had a plan greater than mine. Obviously. And he would not create this life just to leave us hanging. Soon after a few things happened. I got a job at camp with benefits and the camp started planning to add an extra room to our apartment. 

There are still a lot of things to figure out. And there will be intense stressful times in the lifetime to come but it's okay. Right now the most pressing is child care. We are desperate for a private sitter while I work but it looks like our only option at the moment is daycare. I have lost sleep thinking about my baby spending all day in the care of someone I don't know. But if that's what it comes to then that is also a part of the plan I don't understand. I'll learn to be okay with it. 

The lesson I seem to continuo be reminded of is this...

There really is peace when we choose to trust Gods plans. It took a big "oops" for me to figure that out but it is the best "oops" that could have ever happened. 

When we trust God. Our doubts can become confidence. The stressful things might stay stressful but become easy to handle. The good things become great. And there are even little miracles along the way. 

God cares for even the sparrows. How much more does he care for his children? More than expecting mothers and long distance families could ever feel for our own.

What They Do Not Teach You In College

This time last year I was a new college graduate. If you would have asked me about my plans I would have said: get a job with benefits and a grown-up pay check, pay off loans, start a family and then go to seminary so that I could start my real career of working with college girls. That was the plan because that is what the world told me to do and it made sense.

 My plans didn't work out. I graduated in December and did not find a teaching job. At the end of the summer I found myself with a whole new layer of insecurities as I realized that I was without any fruits to my labor. No benefits. No grown-up pay check.  No feeling of self worth. 

A little drastic? Maybe. But I just felt worthless. With every question, "have you found a job yet? No, well your sister found a job". Just twisted the dagger in my heart a little more. 

You see, while you are in college you are training yourself for a specific skill, a specific role, a specific title with the expectation of one day being called, Mrs. Somebody. When you graduate you receive a piece of paper that states that you have done the work and been trained for a specific job. So that is what you are supposed to pursue right? If you went to college to be a teacher then you teach. If you went to college to be a business woman then why would you pursue a career in anything other than a job with a corner office and a view?

When you are in college you will more than likely create a game plan for yourself and start out following that plan after graduation. What you have to keep in mind is that your plan is not always Gods plan. Your plan might be great. But even if it is, you still need to do what you feel God is leading you too. Sometimes, God will lead you to a place that you are not comfortable with, as uncomfortable as it may be you can not forget that God is with you.

 In college they teach you to ask questions and get answers. With God, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just go. I heard Marion Jordan Ellis say in a message one time that the best thing you can do is to you love Jesus and do what he puts in front of you.

I think it is okay to ask questions, sure, but do not question God. Does that make sense? Do not wait for a five year plan to make a move. Just move. It is not your job to understand. It is your job to obey. 

I made a move this semester, I enrolled at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and am pursuing my Masters in Christian Education and Women's Ministry and I have not stopped looking for a real job. I have found that I stress less now than when I actually had a plan. People do not understand, they want to know my five year plan. They want to know when I will have a job with benefits. All I can tell them is that my goal is to be in a ministry that is focused on teenage/college aged girls. I do not know how I will get there but I trust Christ. Some days I think "I have a college degree, why do I not have a real job?" and then I think about scriptures like 1 Corinthians  2:8-10

   However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,

    what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived”—

    the things God has prepared for those who love him—

 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

Some days it is hard to be in the place that I am but I remember that God has a plan for me and I have to be here now to get to where I need to be later. I do not know much more than that. As long as I am loving Jesus and doing what is placed in front of me I will be fine. The road ahead is full of a lot of uncertainties, but it does have the one thing that I can rest in, God, he is my confidence.

This is the deal. When you are in college they define success by how quickly you reach your goal and how much money you make. The real success can sometimes be found in the "unsuccessful" days of searching and longing for a job. The real definition of success is pursuing Gods plan for your life and even when it does not make sense you go anyway. You cannot fail if you do that. Even if the world thinks that you are... you. can. not. fail. with. God.

New Year - Old Me

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am such a huge fan of the new year. My Grandpa told me once that "they" say whatever you are doing when the clock strikes midnight will be what your whole year will be like. I took it to heart. Silly I know... but in the years past I have read my Bible and spent time worshiping at midnight, I have been with friends, so on and so forth. Last year Andrew and I were asleep by 10 pm NYE!! I was ridiculously upset about it!!
So this year I invited our family to Glen Rose to bring in the new year. Naturally we played games all night and I lost. All. Night. Long.

The clock struck midnight and my score turned to the positive. I was more excited about it than I should have been.

Like most people, I set goals for the new year. This year they are simple.

1. Be excited about every day the same way that I am excited about the new year. Because God's mercies are new every morning, not just every new year. Along with this, I have made Psalm 37: 23-26 my verse  to claim for the year.

2. Be positive. I was extremely negative this past year and honestly, I am over it.

3. Journal every day. Maybe this will be a blog post all on its own. I believe journaling is as healthy as drinking 8 cups of water a day.

4. Get back to the old me. Back to the days when I did not think about working out or eating right, it was not a choice it was just what I did.

5. Reconnect with old friends. I REALLY MISS all of my friends that I left in East Texas and I really, really want to figure out how to balance life in North Texas while still maintaining friendships hours away.

There it is folks. These are all things that I use to do. For whatever reason, 2013 wreaked havoc on my mind and health. So this new year is going to be about getting back to the old me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

What are your goals?